Journal Entry July 20, 2010

I keep a journal where some of my more private thoughts are housed.  I've never shared from it before, but I recently re-read this post and thought that it may be worth sharing.  I need this reminder again and maybe someone else out there does as well.

It's also funny that I wrote this because I don't remember feeling quite so bleak during the move.  I guess this was a dark moment or something....



July 20, 2010


I’m a Texan now. Yes. I live in Texas. It’s been a mighty change. You might say. So here I am, and I’ve decided that I’m almost finished pitying myself and feeling sorry for how lonely and unloved I am here in lonely, hot, buggy, flooding Texas. I have been praying and praying lately…. Just for strength, or knowledge about how to become happy again. This morning, kind of like a revelation, I received the answer and it is mind boggling. Sit down because this is going to knock you over. The answer is….


WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.

It seems that I have heard that somewhere before, but it feels all new to me. So here is what I want:


I want to be loved.


I want to have friends.


I want to be respected.


I want to have a spirit of peace and calm surrounding me.


I want to have my kids listen to me.




So here is what I need to do.


Give love.


Be a friend.


Respect others.


Seek for the Spirit.


Listen to others.


It is so easy. But so often I, and I suspect others, try to get what they want by demanding it, or pleading for it and then being so hurt when we are not respected. But now, in retrospect, I can see how this has happened. As I have been stressed and overwhelmed with this move and our new home, I have become more impatient with the kids. I have stopped taking the time to talk to them and listen to them and respect them for the unique and special individuals that they are. And then I am baffled when they do not respect me or listen to me or show me the love that I want. Of course this is not all so bad as I am writing here… we are generally speaking a happy little family, but things have just been a little bit ‘off’ lately. I feel that this is the course for getting back ‘on’. Isn’t it wonderful how something so simple can be learned again in a new and exciting way. I really feel excited. And filled with hope. Hope is a very good thing.

Personal Chef

I know you all wish that you had a personal chef to help you everyday, but I'm sorry... he's mine.

Spring Break and Being a Nice Mom

Spring break.    It has come and gone already.  We enjoyed our break so much.  Most of the time, we just stayed home and enjoyed being home, but Aaron took off the last few days and we found a few fun things to do on those days as well. 

We went to the Houston carnival and rodeo one day.  It was fun... but...

1.  Does anyone else have trouble shelling out $3-5 for each ride?  Seriously.  We may be cheap,  okay... we ARE cheap, but I feel physically ill when I see how much things cost there.  Not just because they cost a lot, but because they are not worth it.  Is there such a thing as a $7 corn-dog that is actually worth $7? 

2.  As a result we spent our carnival trip trying to guide the kids toward the cheap rides, the free livestock show and away from the $15 toys.  That means far too many times that day, I used the grumpy mommy words.  No.  Nope.  Sorry... not today.  No way.

 

We had fun.  Really we did. But I much more enjoyed our camping trip the next day, in which I could say YES!!  I like it when I can say "YES". 

 Yes.  You can tie Daddy to a pole and pretend that you captured him.

 Yes.  You can spend the morning fishing.  Just take the kids with you.

 Yes.  You can play in the mud and get really dirty.

Sure.  Invite the neighbors over and pile in the hammock.

 

 Yes.  You may certainly spend the entire afternoon climbing a pole.  If you want to.

 Yes again.  Canoeing is a yes. 

Yes.  You can sit around watching the moon move across the lake.  Because we would all be happier people if we sat by a moonlit lake a little more often.

Yes.  You may scream and yell every time you catch a fish.  Because frankly... it was awesome that you caught 10 fish in one morning.

 

And yes.  You may even play in alligator infested water.  Now aren't I a nice mommy?

I wish I had taken a picture of our friends that we played with all weekend.  After we finished putting up our tent we looked around and realized that we had set up camp right next to some friends from our church.  It was awesome.  We had so much fun playing together.  They have the cutest kids in the world and Lizzy decided that next time we go camping, we are calling these guys  first.  They were the ones who taught me that there are alligators in all lakes in southern Texas.  And I guess people down here are cool with that.  So... I wasn't kidding that there was a little alligator swimming around right behind where Sam and I were playing.  I guess I'm not Texas enough to be totally calm about it.  We did move away from the shoreline after I saw the little guy.  But other campers nearby were swimming out into the lake and didn't seem to mind it. 

Overall it was a get diry, have fun, eat too much candy, be loud and have fun type of weekend.  It was a "yes" weekend.    I loved it.

Smart Kid

Sam isn't talking a whole lot yet, but he is certainly very capable of making me understand what he wants.  For example...a few days ago I was cleaning out my pantry and I dropped this on the floor:

Sam got super excited and started jabbering away.  I didn't pay a lot of attention as he toddled off in a big hurry carrying his discovery.  A few minutes later he came back also carrying this:

He then ran away again and came back this time with a spoon. 

After getting my attention (which he does by yelling at the top of his lungs).... he showed me what he wanted.  He put the package of noodles into the pan and then used the spoon to pretend to stir them.

Okay.  I get it buddy.  I get it.  Ramen noodles for lunch it is.

Stuff to Talk About

I once had a roommate who was beautiful and had a date like EVERY SINGLE weekend.  She dated a lot, but seemed to go through guys quickly.  None of the guys lasted very long, even though, to me... they seemed ideal.  One day I learned just what it was that she was so afraid of.  It wasn't commitment, or that she was super picky... it was that they ran out of things to talk about.  Even after meeting THE ONE she got scared for awhile.  She felt good about things, but continued to be afraid.  WHAT IF WE RUN OUT OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT??? 

I think I just laughed at the time, but the thought kind of stayed with me and I have remembered that many times since.  Really... it would be horrible to run out of things to talk about.  What if 3 years into your marriage... you pretty much exhaust every topic and can't think of a thing to say to each other??  That would be awful.

But I got married anyway and after Lizzy was born I quit my job and stayed home to take care of my baby.  Then the issue re-surfaced.  Because at the end of the day, I sometimes couldn't think of anything exciting to tell my hubby.  I didn't think he wanted to know how many times she'd pooped that day or what I had managed to clean while she napped.  My life seemed DULL.  So... I started watching the news, took a class, made some friends and somehow we made it through.

My point is... that it all seems funny to think about NOW because life gets busier and busier and now we don't have enough time to talk about what we NEED to talk about.  Now I find myself having too much to tell him and often forgetting much of it.

So here are a few things we've talked about or that I need to remember to discuss with hubby sometime soon:

1.  What are we doing for spring break?  Are we going to Kemah tomorrow or to the rodeo?  Where are we going camping?  What food should I pack?

2.  What should we do about Andrew?  It has been a week and he still looks like this.

3. Don't worry, I got Sam into the dentist and they said that although it is unusual to see a tooth knocked out so completely at only 18 months old... he should be fine but will need a fake tooth  once his molars come in. 

4.  You need to stop buying snacks at work because we are WAY over budget this month.

5.  Sam stuck a credit card into the CD player in the van and now it doesn't work. 

6.  Don't forget to pick the kids up from the neighbors tonight because I am chaperoning the Young Women to the temple today.

7.  I sent cards to your 3 cousins getting married this month... don't worry I signed your name.

8.  How should we spend our tax return $$?

9.  I bought a zoo membership on a whim and we have been having a great time... you don't mind do you?  (ummm... over budget..... I know.)

10.  Guess what... Lizzy practiced the piano today with NO ARGUING.  It was a miracle.

11.  What do you want for your birthday?  It is coming up you know.

12.  Since I won't be home tonight and tomorrow is St. Patty's day... could you maybe help the kids set out the paint to catch the leprechauns... like we do every year?

And last but not least...

13.  After I get home tonight... do you maybe want to just sit together silently for awhile and not talk about a SINGLE SOLITARY THING? 

Okay then.  Love you.

Grand-Dad

My Dad, Lizzy, Grandpa and Grandma

My Grandpa passed away last week.  It's amazing how peaceful such a thing can be, when it is coupled with a knowledge that he lives on and his relationships live on. 

 Someone at the funeral made a comment that the death of loved ones tends to make the veil thin and causes us to readjust our priorties as we consider on the bigger picture of life.  I have pondered more on eternal things this week and wanted to write a few thoughts. 

One thing at the funeral that was addressed by nearly every speaker was the relationship between Grandma and Grandpa.  Marriages seem so flippant now a'days.  It seems to be entirely okay to move from one marriage to the next looking for fulfillment and happiness that your previous spouse couldn't provide.  It's about GETTING something out of your marriage and rarely about what you GIVE. 

But then there are beautiful examples like Grandma and Grandpa who would have been married 70 years this year. They gave and gave to each other.  Grandpa always treated Grandma with tenderness they said.  My uncle said that he can remember speaking disrespectfully to his mother one time,  and has not forgotten it because of the rebuke he received from his Dad.   Grandpa worked long hard hours to provide for his family.  They raised 7 children together.  The first 4 were born while they still lived in, what is now, the garage of their home.  When Grandpa opened up his mechanic shop... Grandma was by his side.  She ordered parts and ran all over town getting what he needed.  They served each other for so many years that it became who they were.  Not kind acts, but kind people.  They grew to be one.  When Grandpa got sick, Grandma didn't leave his side. Infact, she got sick too.  Maybe they were so united that his pains became hers as well. 

Just before the funeral as they closed the casket, Grandma went over to say goodbye to Grandpa.  She said... remember you said that you'd come back to get me soon.  Don't take too long.

Grandma and Grandpa had something real.  Something lasting.  They found happiness not because of what they got from each other, but because of what they gave. 

And in the end, I want what they have.  I'm grateful that they have showed me how to get there.

 I'm grateful for the legacy left by my Grandpa.   

Rae H. Goodrich 1919-2011

More Birthday

Andrew and I love to snuggle.  He can't sit still for more than 30 seconds, so it usually doesn't last long, but it is one of our favorite things.

Andrew loves to makes things.  Everyday he wants to know if he can do a "project".  If I had unlimited supplies, he would literally be able to work on one project after another all day long. 

 

Andrew is unselfish.  When he got a box of candy from his Grandma.. he literally went through every piece of candy in the box and gave one to Lizzy, one to Andrew... one to Lizzy... and so forth. No gratitude required... just giving cause that's what he does. 

Andrew is 5.

Andrew wants to be "watched".  No matter how many times he shows me that he can jump from the top of the slide, down to our beanbag chair... he wants me to watch each time, because he can do it a little higher or twist a little differently.  How many times a day do I hear, "Mom... you weren't watching.  I'll do it again."

Did I mention that Andrew is 5?

Andrew stays mad for like 30 seconds.  Infact he can't even remember anger longer than that.  Last week he got mad and left dinner and stomped up to his room.  He was gone for most of dinner and we thought he must be pretty mad this time.   Aaron decided to go and convince him to come back.  When he knocked on his door, he found him happily playing with his toys.  When he came back down he confessed that he'd forgotten he was mad and started playing He-man.  He couldn't even remember why he'd been angry.  

When Andrew plays He-man, he makes everyone, even Skeletor be on the "good side". 

.... and now my little boy is really and truly and honestly 5 years old.

He is still my little boy and seems so little in so many ways.  I am having difficulty accepting that he is 5.  In only 6 months, he will be gone to school ALL DAY.  The house will be so quiet.  The art basket will stay clean and organized.  And boy oh boy...how lonely I will be for my little guy. 

Happy Birthday!